There’s few things that are more frustrating. Asking your child a question, waiting, asking again, waiting, asking a little louder (and so on…) drives many parents (me included!) up the wall. Sometimes our kids are engrossed in something, sometimes they are avoiding what is happening next, or sometimes they are trying to make a point. Either way, it’s incredibly frustrating for parents but there are things we can say to our kids instead of escalating to yelling or getting annoyed. Check out these 5 tips and try some of the out with your kids next time they don’t respond.

1. Tell them what you want them to do instead of what not to do

Try saying “talk more softly” instead of “stop yelling”, or “walk slower with me” instead of “don’t run off”. When our brains are busy focusing on other things, it’s easier to process what to do rather than what not to do. It’s also more positive language for parents to use this way.

2. Use their name

Research shows that our first name is one of the most effective things to grab our attention, so use your child’s name at the start of the sentence to get their attention. Make eye contact if you can too.

3. Give a forced choice

Asking your child “would you like to put your shoes on yourself or would you like me to help you?” is a million times less frustrating than “I’ve asked you three times already, can you just do it!!”

4. Make it playful

Turning the conversation into a game is an excellent way of engaging kids. Get yourselves ready using “speed of the cheetah” or make it competitive, but don’t forget that turtle-speed is sometime important too and it doesn’t always have to be a rushing game.

5. Take a break yourself

Does that thing really need to be done right this second? Quite often parents are rushing unnecessarily. If they don’t need to get dressed right this second, consider if letting them explore that thing might actually be better for both of you right now. Tell them “I’m going to stop, breathe, and come get me when you are finished” and go and take minute to yourself. Who knows what you might get out of it.

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private psychology practice in Launceston, Tasmania.