Parent: "Here buddy, I made lunch for you"
Toddler: "I didn't want the orange cup, I wanted the blue cup".
Cue tears, wailing, and flailing around on the kitchen floor.
We've all been there. We were having a reasonable conversation, things were going well, then BAM! Your toddler is on the floor, shrieking and wailing around in a floppy mess.
Why do toddlers have tantrums? Well, there are a few reasons. One reason is HALT - your child is hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired. When your toddler (or older child, or you) experiences these things, we are far more vulnerable, and things we could normally cope with completely overwhelm us. You might have heard of the stress bucket metaphor? (If not, check out our blog post here)
Another reason toddlers have tantrums is communication of big feelings, such as anger, frustration, or disappointment. Imagine you missed out on something that was really important to you. Like, for example, you were one of two in a draw to win a hundred grand, and the other person got it. And you felt it so strongly in your body, but you couldn't get anyone to understand that it really should have been your turn, and you truly believed you deserved it, but no one seemed to be listening no matter what you said. Toddlers are developmentally just starting to work out what they like and want, and "Ohh it's alright, you'll get another chance to win money some time soon, stop crying" or "It's just a orange cup, what's the problem?" just won't really make anyone feel better.
Toddlers are also starting to work out their behaviour can influence those around them. Note: this isn't manipulation, but the beginning seeds of "cause and effect" thinking - If I do X, sometimes Y happens. For toddlers, this can be as a result of a learned behaviour from something that happened before in a similar situation.
Overstimulation is another reason why toddler tantrums happen - everything has become too much, too exciting, too bright, too noisy, and their sensory system goes into overload. This is often worse if HALT is also happening.
Toddler's temperament also plays a part. Some kids are more headstrong and determined. These traits will see them well into adulthood, if you can all survive adolescence! If your child has developmental challenges, things can be a little more complex, so seek some support from a professional who knows about this stuff if you are feeling stuck.
So what can you do about your toddler's tantrums?
Step 1: Make sure your child is physically safe and not about to bash their head into a wall or fall off something.
Step 2: Remove any unnecessary gawkers. Redirect any curious onlookers by stating “She’s having a tough time, thanks for giving us some space whilst we work it out”. Other kids can be sent away to do a job or an activity. If you can’t remove gawkers, and it’s safe to scoop up your little person and find a quiet space, do it.
Step 3: Stay with your toddler. They do not feel safe and a tornado is currently tearing up any sense of stability or control they have. If you need to take a breath yourself, turn away and give yourself a pep-talk that your time to process this will come next, but your little person needs you here right now first. Don’t leave them in this vulnerable position unless you absolutely have no choice.
Step 4: Determine if your toddler is ready to come into you for soothing and comfort yet. They might need a little time. Offer open arms and be waiting ready. Just offer soothing arms and a soft voice. Now is not a teaching moment – their prefrontal cortex (brain part that can plan and make decisions) is disengaged, as is their language centre. That can come later. Go for the sense of safety first.
Step 5: Stay as long as you need to. Very few things actually require us to rush off right away. If you need to text someone whilst you sooth and rock your little person, do. Otherwise, your toddler’s sense of security generally overrides being 5 minutes late. Importantly, this might take a bit longer, but the more often your toddler feels like their parent has got this and is consistently and predictably there for them, the faster tantrums will resolve over time. It’s a worthwhile investment.
Step 6: BE CONSISTENT. I’m caps shouting that because it’s so, so, so important. If you said X rule applies, don’t change X rule when your toddler has a tantrum. Do not give your toddler the Freddo Frog from the chocolate isle at Coles. You are teaching your toddler what level of energy expenditure is needed to get a Freddo next time you go shopping. Be kind and gentle, but also be in charge. This will reassure your toddler that you’ve definitely got this parenting thing down pat, and they can safely rely on you to make the best decision for them, no matter what.
Remember, if you need to take charge, do. Otherwise, try and stay present with your toddler whilst they ride this wave out, help them feel safe and when they are done, move on. Your toddler will too.
Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private psychology practice in Launceston, Tasmania.
Image credit: https://dailym.ai/2kqgk1k
