COVID-19. That one term that’s changed so much of our lives for so many different people. The impact it’s having on families is huge, and children all over the world are having to adjust to the new way of life that is social-isolation.
Children love routine.
If life is predictable, then we can be reasonably sure about what comes next. We don’t have to be waiting for that curve-ball, that thing that’s unexpected, the things we were always told would never happen, didn’t happen. When things are predictable they are safe. When things are safe, our brain’s stress response system stays in rest-mode and everything is generally OK.
Unfortunately, at the moment things are not predictable. In fact, for the little people in our lives things are very much changed, despite the best efforts of parents everywhere. All of a sudden, parents are working from home, school has stopped, and every day is a “home day”. Grownups are glued to their phones, the TV show is interrupted with emergency updates, and people are talking with worried tones talking about “the virus” and all the unpredictable things that go along with it. The adults are more stressed, and in turn, even thought it might not be quite as obvious, so are the kids. Kids don’t have the language to communicate their stress, so what you might see are changes in their behaviour. Here are some common signs you might see that might be explained, at least in part, by increased stress in children. Note: these behaviours can occur at any time and aren’t specific to coronavirus changes, but you might be noticing them just a little bit more right now.
1. Siblings are “at each other” more than usual
Play escalates to louder play, more physical play, someone is more likely to get pushed or hit with something, and then there are wails, tears and screams. It’s like things go from 0-150% in about 5 seconds. Everyone’s tolerance seems limited.
2. Children are not sleeping as well
This might be having trouble getting to sleep, waking up during the night, or reverting to starting the day at 5 am. They might have some bad dreams or be more restless during sleep, which results in tiredness and increased irritability/lower coping capacity during the day.
3. Your kids might have turned into velcro-kids
All of a sudden, your previously fiercely independent preschooler is constantly hanging off you, wanting cuddles or you to read to them or play a game, just when you are trying to adjust to work from home with no alternate childcare options.
4. Emotional resilience seems to have gone out the window
Telling your child “no, you can’t have ice-cream for morning tea” or “you need to use gentle hands with your brother” is met with a flood of tears, accusations of you hating your kids, and stomping down the hallway.
5. You might be copping attitude
You know your child knows nice manners, but they appear to have forgotten them. Pleases and thank you’s seem to be lacking, you can’t remember the last time someone picked up their dirty cup and returned to the kitchen (which is amplified by EVERY meal being at home now), and they are using “that” tone of voice when talking back to you.
Sound familiar? How should parents respond?
If you think your kids might be a bit more stressed right now, make a point of checking in with them during a calm moment (preferably one that is also accompanied by a hug or some other form of closeness and connection). You can normalise their feelings, e.g. say “some kids are a bit stressed out right now with things being a bit different” and invite discussion on the topic. Make it safe to go there. They might not at that time, but keep checking in and making it a safe and welcomed discussion. Make connection-time a priority, even schedule it in. Try and be really aware that your child’s security-cup probably has a crack in the bottom and is leaking night now, and that they might just need a bit more of your attention at the moment.
So that you can offer this, try and keep grownup problems for grownups, and manage your own stress levels. Don’t talk in front of the kids about the latest infection or mortality rates, how you can’t get your own parents to stop going to Kmart, or how you are worried about your job security or whether you can get what you need at the supermarket. Put your phone down and go and play that board game or do a puzzle with your kids. Get moving (learn a new dance routine off YouTube), get outside into your yard as much as possible, and let your creative right-brain have some time in the spotlight by making something.
Finally, be gentle with yourself; you are going through a lot too, perhaps the most you have ever gone through. Like all the other times, this time too shall pass, and we will come through to the light at the other end of the tunnel at some point. Just keep your foot on the accelerator and don’t stop now in the dark whilst you are only half way. Drive your family on though to the other side. You’ve got this!
Olivia Boer is a clinicial psychologist and the director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania.
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash